Foreword: I wrote this to highlight mental crisis within my own mind. How it is for me, and how it can strike without warning. Or does it?
Trapped inside my own thoughts
Trapped by my echoes I thought long gone
Only to hear them reverberating from the cavernous walls of my mind, somehow darker now where light once shone.
You see, I know in a logical phase of thoughts that to many seem so ordinary
Amongst the day to day ramblings of constantly colliding neurons
Shout the loudest of thoughts so inexplicably extraordinary.
Extraordinarily, it is clear to me on a mist free day that the cavernous cliff faces within my mind, once easily conquered walls, are a reoccurring bind.
One day unassailable, the next, awash with bright light shining the way. Walls I could climb in a day.
A circle of viciousness ensues, hoping to lose I'm sure, the sense of grip I thought I had on it.
No sympathy please, the walls aren't appeased by melancholy memories of what was, could have been or if onlys'
No, the cavernous cliff faces above cast their shadows as long as a winters day sun, evoking a sadness, some would say only reserved for the lonely.
Lonely is an area in the cavernous cathedral like space frequented often by my thoughts.
Past thoughts look on at me now, knowing they are seen as imposters by passing thoughts from more positive areas within the walled city of my mind.
Trapped now, beneath the cavernous walls shadows, they are caught.
Passing positive thoughts cackle and natter, whisper and scatter, sneering judgement so obviously apparent in their eyes, only one thing matters.
To keep secret from the lonely thoughts hiding in the shadow, of the cavernous walls creating escape routes below so narrow.
That there is a route out and away from the sorrow.
To the city square in my mind full of hope, love and a fountain flowing with sparkling light and peace.
Where the cavernous walls now glisten. Warmth can be felt reflecting back, in this calmness I listen.
White noise now calmed, inexplicably quiet. Thoughts wandered into this space, attention span drawn away from the darkness and riots.
I can hear the gatherings of thoughts away in the distance, hollering growing louder, ever closer they run, closing down the space with little resistance.
I grab with desperate hands as thoughts start to scatter, try to hold on as they sprint to every corner of my grey matter.
At least now I know of a place beyond the shadows, away from cavernous walls, and surrounding plains I once thought permanently fallow.
The ongoing challenge and conflict within, is to find my way back to the light glistening.
To remember it exists, even in the bleakest of storms, to set free trapped thoughts I no longer wish mourned.
To lay in it's warmth and to be in the moment, to stay with those thoughts of faith and not torment.
To understand I don't understand
There isn't always a clear plan
To not believe mocking thoughts when they tell me you're a weak excuse for a man.
And the circle of viciousness tries to begin again
As sure as the sun and the blood in my veins
I will go back to being trapped inside my own thoughts.
(©) Dom Giddy 2021